When He Says He Does Not Want a Relationship, Believe Him.

I am a huge fan of the movie “He’s Not That Into You” and when I think about it….it sucks to be in that cycle – where you like someone, they like someone else, and someone random likes you but none of the stars align. Ugh!

I have always been the girl that loves sports and is the “tomboy” along for the ride. The girl who puts on a helmet and goes mudding or really just goes to drive the combine – not for the idea of a date or to find someone… I happen to like “non- girly activities much more” and guys always invite me to hang out and to join them on hiking, camping, and guys- only weekends. Yes, this is completely true.

I am also the girl who thinks long and hard before dating someone and weighs out the pluses and minuses. There have been times where I have not dated for more than a year or taken Sabbaticals from the process.. having a man is not requirement for me.

So let’s get to how this is relevant.

Relationships are hard. Relationships are work and sometimes things just do not work out. I am the poster child of things not working out and it is a bit painful because I love with everything….and often it seems the guys I choose, at some point become jealous, resentful, try to change me, or want different things. Let me say this, each relationship has made me a better person and to this day each has been an amazing blessing in my life. At some point my previous relationships ended and more often than not, the guy has returned at some point to work through things – so I ask myself, “why now” and “why not then?” (In every case but 1)

Oddly enough even a guy I dated in my early 20s reappeared in the last 3 months to say he was most happy in his life with me and wanted another chance – I don’t say this to be egotistical, rather explain that I think many times I am beyond my years – I see the guy for who he is, who he can be, and try to help on that path. Sometimes my “mother hen ways” can be seen as controlling or “infringing” and it is really just who I am.

So one day, you meet the guy that changes everything…I mean everything, the one that really makes you understand why the road has been paved with bumps, rocks, and detours…and then you wake up to realize that “he is not that into you” and “he is unsure” and he does not want you. The one where you think the Rascal Flatts wrote “God Bless the Broken Road” exactly for you and then “boom” he takes the wind out of your sails and ends it abruptly.

So yeah, it has happened to me…and it sucks. 150% like – what happened and how did ya go from 0-100 to 0? So the questions everyone asks “was I not pretty enough? What did I not do? Was it that fight we had” How he could not see how good we are?

Let me start with this….. It is really not about you. This is about him. 

You are sitting there saying “we had chemistry, we had love, we had similar goals” he just said “I don’t see it”

So you went into this knowing that he was a challenge and you wanted to be the exception and not the rule… (He’s Not That Into You) and you quickly found out that you were placed in the same box as everyone else. You just lasted a little bit longer. The reasons do not matter, but the facts do. You have been successful in long term relationships; you have worked through difficult situations and he has always walked away. Always.

So here is what you need to know. 

He is either all in or all out.

There is no question and no doubt on what his intentions are. When the excuses flood and dates continue to change, it is code for …I am really out. What you need is a guy who is really gonna say “I cannot believe you are real” Someone who is willing to walk away and vanish is really not invested in themselves or you. 

So Will He Return?

I have a standing joke with people who know me…they all come back – again, not to sound boastful or egocentric, rather, I know what is out there and even though I expect a partner to be a partner and want to have fun; rarely do people compare to me. After time, I have grown, I have learned and I too want to be better and find that person for me. I just laugh at this point because it sucks and if you don’t laugh, most likely I will cry.

I am the type of person; I do not care what you want – just make a decision. Either way and I am good. The unknown or the “I don’t know” is really a game of holding on or trying to control the decision while I think .. yeah whatever.

So why does he not want me:

  1. You are not a match. Nothing you can do when someone feels this way. Cannot change a person’s mind or make them feel something they do not. Love is authentic and organic
  2. He does not like certain things about you. No brainer here. For me, I think about a tree. I think about myself at the top of the tree. Most boys can reach the low hanging fruit…I want the one who is willing to climb all the way to the top. The one who will risk his life, battle the danger, and get to me. I realize I have gone through a lot of boys….just trying to find the right man. (no disrespect to those I dated along the way- each had a purpose in my life and as mentioned all but one are still excellent friends today)
  3. He does not want anyone. Reality check- self-absorbed and incapable of giving of themselves to anyone and this again, has nothing to do with you. Remember if he is in this mindset, he is a project, not a partner
  4. Timing is not right. Sometimes no matter what, the timing does not work for this relationship. Don’t try to change someone’s mind.
  5. Different lives. You just are living two different lives – women see potential – men see cutting the loss.

So what do you do? I mean do you wait, do give time, what is that you are supposed to do when someone says they are unsure?

Here are my tips for success:

  1. You are single and ready to mingle. Remain open and if you are asked to dinner or asked to play tennis or go for golf – go. Even when you absolutely get sick with the idea.
  2. Sitting at home crying over spilled milk is not going to change things.
  3. You are free and can do whatever you want – this is another time in your life where you get the chance to “do you” and invest in yourself.
  4. Embrace the opportunity. Heck, why be upset that you get to see what else is out there. I mean… it’s funny how the phone rings when others realize that you are now available. Not to say you need to embrace it, but smile and know you are on the right path.
  5. From this – if a man really loves you and wants to be with you, he will commit and if he is on the fence, the indifference will give you clarity to move on and make room for the guy who loves you.

I am a huge believer in love and in happiness. I also believe that forcing anyone into something that they do not want is the worst thing you can do. Forcing marriage or engagement or a baby will just delay the inevitable. If you love someone enough, set them free.

A lot of things come down to self- esteem or come down to opportunity and what I have learned… I am not chasing a guy. If you want me, then do the work; if not, Bye Felicia. If they come back and want to work through it, then you know and it becomes your choice. Just know that no matter what, there is a guy out there that will be crazy about you.

Stay tuned for more on the incredible life of Heidi




A travel, home, & lifestyle blog written by Heidi Stevenson. Follow along for affordable ways to travel, sophisticated and savvy style, expensive looks for less for the home, and everyday style



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