It’s been a minute – over the past few months I have gotten about 100 or so messages asking me to write again… so back at it 😀
Here we go….
As a kid, I cannot remember anyone in my classes who had divorced parents until middle school. A friend lost her dad during this time; a few new kids came; in church and in the neighborhood, divorce was really not something I knew much about. My uncle was divorced and remarried but you get where I am coming from… not particularly common.
Fast forward to my own life. I got married young and to the wrong person for so many reasons. I can remember the doubts I had prior to getting married and my dad assured me it was only just my nerves. Somehow I knew he was wrong. My mom who is always a good judge of character was against the idea from the word go.
Looking back, I wish I would have walked away knowing how I felt but went through with it thinking…it’s fine.
I won’t get into the details other than to say.. that the time married all 2 years of it taught me many lessons on life and empowered me to be the best version of me possible. My super power started to come out..
Divorce to me was the chance to do anything I wanted, to dream big, to live, and to do better. So I did. Not once but twice.
I knew that I wanted to go on to school, that I wanted to travel more, and that I deserved so much better. Over the next few years I went on a few dates, had a long term relationship that became a second marriage and to this day.. still have that friendship and grew as a human. My determination of success and happiness were my goals.
I look back on this relationship the most. It is the one I would have done anything to fix and tried everything. Went back and back and back and same results every time. It was just not meant to be. No matter how much on paper things should have worked…it just did not.
You cannot make things work when both people are not investing. Simple.
This is where my super power began evident in ways I never knew.
I was resilient. I cried, I cried and I cried. I loved and tried so many things to fix it – After much thought, many conversations, I put on my big girl pants and filed.
I was strong. I knew my worth. I knew that things were not going to work long term. I knew that this relationship was not going to make me a better person…
I was focused on living my best life, being happy, and moving forward. I traveled, I learned, I grew, and from this – I loved.
I had forgiveness for everything – I let go and I knew that everything happens for a reason and if it is or was meant to be the stars would align and some way/ somehow – it would work out
Investing in me. After the divorce, I invested in me – I finished my Ph.D., I traveled the world, and I moved on… I did the Eat, Pray, Love mantra …
It’s been over 13 years since this was final. I am not a person who likes finality. I have many take aways when things don’t work out as planned:
1. I can mow grass – albeit not well – I can do it
2. I can use the snowblower and clear a drive away and sidewalks
3. I can fix a toilet, turn off the water, and do minor repairs around the house
4. I know that sometimes the best gifts are the ones you don’t get
5. When someone does not want to get married or have kids with you, thank them and move on
6. Cut your losses sooner than later
7. I am resilient, hardworking, and genuinely know my worth… won’t settle for less
8. Choose to win, not to be a victim
9. There is value in the struggle
10. Stop judging everyone and everything, including me
11. When you feel resentment, take steps backward from the person .. match energy or lessen yours.
12. Be candid about your feelings – the good, bad, and ugly
13. Relationship issues – fix the issues that you can – resolve them
14, Show you love someone using their love language – not yours.
15. Treat others as you wish to be treated
16. Fight for the relationship and give it “all in” status
17. Love your person unconditionally and realize you may not always like their actions.
18. When people show you who they are.. believe them
19. In conflict, turn toward your person…
20. Always choose someone kind. Kind to everyone they meet.
21. As a fixer, we tend to want to nest and nurture and love. Sometimes it means we try to fit a square peg into a round hole. When they’re not right for you, let them go
22. It’s not about finding the person you want to share one life with. It’s about finding the person you want to live your life with, like two separate lanes going in the same direction
23. Know when to walk away from people that do not bring you peace
24. Trust you. It’s easy to fall victim to questioning if you should.. or why you should… trust your decision making
25. Be open. Be amazing. Be you. Someone someday will be happy to do life with you – if you choose.
As I am in my early 40s divorced twice, I choose to see the value in my lessons and the love I had, filled with such hope and happiness – many people stay in situations or relationships that are status quo or are abusive or are not good for them. I chose to leave. I chose me.
There is mental fitness and mental fatigue that daily battles took on for me and my life when I look back has been filled with amazing situations.
I find happiness now in the smallest of things. I am more open now and I cut negative people quickly out of my life. If you do not bring joy, you have no value. It does not mean these people are bad; they just weren’t right for me and the timing wasn’t right either.
It is funny how life really comes full circle. When you take care of you and invest in you, people reach out..
I am thankful for my relationships, adventures and lessons along the way.
I am grateful for the things that didn’t work out, the people along the way, and happy knowing I can do life on my own. There is something cathartic and healing about knowing that you can take care of you.
When I look back to my first marriage, being alone was actually more scary than being married; in my 40s; I am more scared to be married than to be alone…. Full circle …
I am proud of the person I am today. Proud of the lessons and bumps / bruises taught me among the way. Glad that I have maintained friendships with most of those I have dated and happy and blessed to be healthy, be able to travel, and love living.
No one has an easy path or an easy road; even those born into privilege – I might even say that they have it harder with expectations and never being enough… just know that if you are reading this.
You are enough. You are exactly where God wants you. When things don’t go your way – it’s not time “yet” and when doors close – remember – “rejection is redirection”
I think for all of us.. it’s trusting God.. trusting that we go through things for different reasons… the greatest gifts are sometimes the ones that are left unanswered. So many times I look back at things I was upset about and years later, realize why it didn’t work out and count my blessings… someday everything will make sense.
Whether someone was in your life and the relationship ended, they were taken too soon, or unfortunate situations in your life made you unable to do things you should have or needed to – this is your message. Forgive yourself . Love yourself. Let go. And go Live .. you will regret what you didn’t do more than what you did… so take a risk, move forward, and stop staying stuck or frozen… hugs 🥰